How to Talk to a Girl on the Phone | Dating Tips
How to Create Conversation With an Untalkative Boyfriend
Tired of those long pauses between you and your boyfriend, yet not sure what to do about it? You might feel frustrated dating a quiet guy and not know how to get him out of his shell. Start by improving your listening and communication skills. Practice being attentive and engaged by asking questions and being open about your own life. Above all, be patient if it takes longer than you’d like and maintain a positive outlook.
Being a Great Listener
Practice active listening.Make sure you’re being a good listener when he speaks. If he feels like you’re ignoring him or that you’re distracted, he may not want to open up. Give your full attention when he’s talking and don’t get distracted by the television, your phone, or other things.
- Nod occasionally and appear engaged by leaning in and keeping an open posture. Maintain eye contact to show that you’re engaged.
- Encourage him to go on by saying, “Uh huh” or, “I see” to show that you’re listening.
Remember key points.When your boyfriend speaks, remember the important things he brings up. If he brings up the same topic a couple times, this likely means it’s something that’s important to him or that he cares about. If you’re looking for something to discuss, ask him for an update on something he brought up before.
- For example, say, “You were working on a project in your garage, did you finish it?”
Do an activity he enjoys.Give him opportunities to open up that might appeal to him. Offer to do something that both of you like. This will put him in a relaxed and familiar state of mind, which may make him feel more open and willing to talk. This also allows you to have more things to talk about regarding the activity.
- Maybe you both enjoy playing video games, ice skating, or watching movies.
Give positive reinforcement.When your boyfriend opens up or talks, give him some positive feedback. Show your gratitude for his openness. This will show him that you appreciate when he opens up and want him to do more of it.
- For example, say, “I always enjoy learning more about you” or, “I didn’t know that about you, thanks for sharing.”
Improving Your Communication
Initiate the conversation.Don’t expect your shy boyfriend to start every conversation. He may not know what to talk about or how to begin. If he tends to be a quiet guy, take the lead in talking. Open conversations and don’t be afraid to be the first to talk.
- Start with a simple, “How was your day?” or, “How are you doing?”
Start with something simple.Don’t go straight for the difficult topics or personal questions. Start by asking him simple things or topics you know he’s interested in. For example, if he likes working on cars, ask him about his most memorable experience. If he enjoys sports, ask him to tell you about what he plays and why he likes it.
- Show an interest in what he enjoys and approach things you don’t know with curiosity.
Ask engaging questions.Asking questions shows that you’re listening and interested in what your boyfriend is talking about. If he brings something up, make a point to ask at least one question about it before changing topics. Engage your natural curiosity and find ways to connect.
- Ask open-ended questions. For example, instead of saying, “Was work good?” say, “How was work?”
- For example, if your boyfriend is telling you about his family, ask, “How many siblings do you have?”
- However, don’t bombard your boyfriend with lots of questions. This can feel overwhelming and make him shut down. Space out these questions over the conversation, and give him time to think over his answers.
Open up to him.If your boyfriend doesn't like to talk much and/or is shy, perhaps he likes to listen. Talk about what's happening in your life and ask for his advice on any issues you might be having. Make sure to try to include him while you're talking by asking for his opinion or feedback on things.
- Avoid whining or complaining. This isn’t the way to connect with your boyfriend.
Avoid asking what’s wrong.If you think something’s up because your guy isn’t talking, don’t assume something is wrong. Jumping to thinking something is wrong might annoy him, especially if he feels just fine. Instead of thinking something is wrong, accept his silence as okay.
- If you want to know why your boyfriend is silent, say, “What’s going on?” instead of jumping to conclusions.
- Your boyfriend may not like being accused of feeling low or sad or mad just because he is quiet.
Adjusting Your Attitude
Don’t make it personal.Especially if you know that your boyfriend tends to be quiet or untalkative in general, don’t think he’s ignoring you or withholding. He’s not mad, upset, sad, or annoyed. He’s probably just quiet and needs some time to warm up or feel engaged.
- However, if he’s talkative with other people but just not you, there might be a problem.
- If you think he is mad and there’s reason to be, say something.
Build his trust.Your boyfriend should feel comfortable and accepted by you. Use small moments to increase trust. Find some moments to connect and show that you’re attentive. Turn toward your boyfriend, not away from him.
- For example, if he looks sad, say, “You look sad. What’s going on?”
Be patient.Give him time to open up. He may be nervous or may not have much experience with relationships. If you notice yourself getting irritated with him or feeling like he’s not talking enough, take a few steps back. If you’re committed, then you need to find some peace with where he’s at, whether you like it or not. Notice when you’re feeling frustrated with him and put the focus on dealing with your own feelings, not taking them out on your boyfriend.
- For example, if you’re feeling annoyed at failed attempts to connect, take a few deep breaths. Leave the room for a few minutes so you can return feeling better.
QuestionMy boyfriend and I hardly talk about anything anymore and I'm afraid to bring up a topic lest he thinks it's boring. What should I do?
Clinical Social WorkerClinical Social WorkerExpert AnswerIt is different if your boyfriend or you are quiet or shy, or if you have nothing in common to talk about. Sometimes couples feel that way when there are problems that they have not acknowledged. Pay attention and sort it out.Thanks!
QuestionMy boyfriend tells me I'm always talking about things that bore him.wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerThat's extremely rude. Tell him he should be more sensitive about your feelings and take an interest in your conversations. If he doesn't want to do this, find a better boyfriend.Thanks!
QuestionI'm in a long distance relationship. He used to be very open, but lately he hardly discusses anything, and when I ask, he tells me to stop investigating him. What should I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerMaybe there's something going on at home/in his personal life that he doesn't feel ready to talk about. Try gently telling him, "I'm not trying to investigate you, I just want to know what's going on with you." Tell him that you'll always be there if he needs someone to talk to, and then let it go at that. If this continues for a long period of time and he never talks about anything, it's likely he's not very serious about the relationship.Thanks!
QuestionWhat if we have been dating for four years and already know everything about each other?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerTry doing something new together, start playing a sport, going to the gym, join a book club, etc. This will bring some excitement to the relationship and give you something new to talk about.Thanks!
QuestionMy boyfriend and I have been dating for some months now, but the conversations are a little bit boring. What do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerSpice it up a bit by finding something your both interested in. Like movies or books.Thanks!
QuestionMy boyfriend and I only started dating a day ago and when I saw him he couldn't even look at me. When he had to leave, he hugged all the other girls but just waved at me; what should I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerHave you hugged before? It sounds like you are young, so he's probably just nervous. Next time, hug him.Thanks!
QuestionMy boyfriend only wants to talk about his games. What can I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerTry to bring him away from his consoles. Go out and do something you'd both enjoy. This will give you something new to talk about.Thanks!
QuestionI'm dating this guy who goes to a different school so it's hard for us to see each other. Also, the conversation is dry at best. I've told him about this, but nothing has changed. What should I do?Morgan JoyceCommunity AnswerIt seems like the guy may not be interested anymore as he hasn't changed or put more effort into your conversations. People often drift apart, and this especially happens when you don't get to see each other often.Thanks!
QuestionMy boyfriend went away on a one-month trip, and now that he's back, we can't seem to talk. What do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerLet him feel he is comfortable with you. Tell stories about what happened to you while he was away.Thanks!
QuestionI'm new to having a boyfriend, and we really like each other, but when I say hi his face gets red and he never answers me. What should I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerThat's sort of normal, especially if he's also new to relationships. Start simple, ask him how his day is, how school is going, etc. If you know he had a test that day, ask him about that. If he plays sports, ask him about practice. It will likely get easier for both of you over time. If it doesn't, just let him know, "Hey, I find it hard to talk to you when you never respond to me." If you tell him that it bothers you, hopefully he'll make more of an effort.Thanks!
- Reflect on your own needs. If you need to talk as a way to feel connected yet your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way, you may need to evaluate whether you want to be with him.
- If you keep forcing him/her to talk, you will probably push them away. Give them time to talk (they matter too).
Video: Why am I outgoing at home and shy at work/school? How to be more expressive and talkative
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